March 23, 2011 § Leave a comment
FREE INSIDE: These words popped out at me as I stared down a box of Fruity Pebbles that was on sale at my neighborhood grocery. Inside the box was one of these new Fruity Pebbles Treats, which I had never seen nor tasted, but appeared to be a Rice Krispies-esque treat (marshmallow-based) with Little Debbie frosting. I looked for other cereals in the aisle that had a free prize inside; a toy, a temporary tattoo, anything really. There were some mail-in offers for a some breast cancer awareness t-shirt, and stupid movies you can find in the Best Buy bargain bin, but Fruity Pebbles was the only one offering instant gratification. From what I saw in that cereal aisle, cereal companies no longer care about those kids who want to dump out the whole box into the biggest bowl they can find, just to get the prize. For kids to get anything from a cereal box, they now have to log onto the the website, scan the UPC labels, and write an eighty word essay why they deserve the glow-in-the-dark Spongebob Frisbee (along with $3.59 for postage an handling). Or so I’ve heard.
Of course the first thing I did when I get home was open the box of Pebbles, knowing that somewhere in there would be this mysterious rainbow brick of a treat. The excitement of doing what I did so many times as a child vanished as soon as I opened the top: the Pebbles treat was resting on the top, not even within the sealed bag of cereal. So much for hunting.
Since I didn’t even have to bother with the cereal, I went right ahead and had at this strange little rectangle. It was light, like one of those volcanic rocks that appear heavier than they actually weigh. The frosting on top was slightly warm and just starting to melt into the bar. It was sticky, as you’d expect from a treat that’s primarily melted down marshmallow with candy cereal and goo drizzle. I took one bite that consumed half the bar, and set it down as I chewed. It was sweet, so sickly sweet that washing it down with Dr Pepper was just about as sufficient as water. The lightness of the Fruity Pebbles made them seem like all their freshness was sucked out, and sealed in a slightly stale gloss. And that goo drizzle. Why?! You don’t see Rice Krispie Treats with goo drizzle. Just stop it.
The good news is that these little bars are Gluten Free and only 90 calories. But if you’re trying to keep the weight off, dammit, buy an apple and some berries instead.
March 12, 2011 § Leave a comment
A pack of hungry wolves wearing leather biker vests came out of the forbidden woods. These woods were the kind of mammoth coastal groves with trees that pierced the sky, where shape-shifting fog drifted in like a ghost and blanketed the fertile forest floor. The wolves chose these woods as their home, for there would not be many visitors. The visitors, when there were a brave few who dared trudge amongst the trunks, were often met by illuminating eyes in the shroud, yellow and cold. Fearful of what they didn’t know existed past what they could not see, the visitors always left immediately but kept hearing whispers as they returned to safety in their nestled hemlocks. These wolves were not the savage types that would disembowel the visitors, but they would seep into their souls. They were cunning and didn’t feel threatened by their curious neighbors. They played in the woods and protected their territory, and only hunted other forest creatures that shared the land. The wolves emerged from the darkness only to feast on a fresh kill. Their eyes would turn blood red, as they devoured, and howled in celebration of sacrificial redemption. No one knows why they wear vests.